continuation from the previous one (part two, itS LONGER NOW!)

i am a liar. 

i said i would wait, but recently i have grown tired of relentlessly looking out the window; of restlessly looking when i step onto the train, helplessly and desperately clawing to get a glimpse of you.

but recently, i have been thinking even if you did, by some miracle

come back, i would not let you.

because recently, i only hear the sound of my crying and feel the ache in my chest— the humiliation and betrayal of me serving myself to you on a silver platter, but you rejecting it immediately.

i had given you a part of myself and despite you promising to never dishonour it, you chewed it up then spat it out like i never mattered.

you say this hurts for you too, but the hurt, we experience differently. because as you lie on your bed knowing that i still hold out for you, lie or not, you chose to let me go to bed feeling alone, as if for the past few months, i had been alone in this all along. 

you kicked me while i was down, in attempt to get me to stand again. that is the love i have always received, but not the kind that i wanted from you. you broke me and i ashamed of it. i am utterly disgusted by how pathetic and unbecoming i have become for a mere boy.

and for that, forgive me when i say this, but i cannot bring myself to forgive you. although all i want is to do the opposite— to smile at you, assure you that i am okay. but i have always been honest about how i felt with you.

so today, i will tell you that i do not forgive you. 

i love you still, but there are mistakes that must be atoned for.

until the next time we speak, 

i hope you are healthy and happy.

i hope you do not resent me.

and i hope you forgive me too. 

- 1.25am 3nov -

dear erika, 

i hope someday you learn that you can't beg anyone to stay if they want to leave.

i hope someday you love yourself enough to know that none of this was your fault.

i hope someday you'll be able to look in the mirror and see yourself for who you are, and not who you're not.

i hope someday you will realise that people change, and it's not because you were not enough.

i hope someday you receive the happiness and laughter you are so determined to give

most importantly, i hope someday you forgive yourself for becoming someone you swore you'd never become.

- 12.51am 28nov - goodnight, sleep well.