interaction between chemicals

even as i question,
as i doubt,
me,
my capabilities,
my potential,
i never second guess
my feelings for you.
even as i am always
walking on a tight rope,
with you, however,
i dance gracefully on the edge,
believing,
and trusting,
that there will be a safety net
waiting for me
as i fall.
- 9th June, 14.48 -

the truth is,
i am afraid
and i am fragile.
i am terrified of
being alone,
of getting hurt,
of being the last one chosen.
i am so scared,
that i have pushed everyone away,
always keeping those i love in armslength.
i have ended up,
hurting them,
instead.
- 9th June, 14.54 -

i don't want to lose anyone
i don't want to lose anyone
i don't want to lose anyone
i dont want to lose anyone
i am scared
i am scared
i am scared
i am sorry
i am scared
i am sorry
i don't want to let go
i am sorry
i do not know what i will become
i am sorry
i am scared.
- 9th June, 14.55 -

i do not remember much
of what happened.
i only recall,
the anger,
the rage,
at myself.
the disgust,
the disappointment,
of my flaws.
my incapability,
my inability to be enough.
i remember
how suffocating it felt,
how ashamed i was,
as the words i never want to hear,
wrap around my body like a warm duvet,
sweat soaked bed sheets,
draped around me,
clinging on to what remains of my essence.
i just remember
how much i wanted it all to stop.
it wasn't until the next day,
when i saw
crooked swollen lines on my skin,
painted with the colour of a sunset,
warm crimson red,
stained with blood.
it was too late.
i was over the edge.
i was too far away from shore.
- 9th June, 14.58 -

i am trying
my hardest
to be better
to be calmer
to be normal.
i am desperately
finding other ways
to breathe again.
i want to be better
for you
and for myself.
but to want,
is much easier than to do.
i will try,
but baby,
i will fail.
- 9th June, 15.00 -

i think about life,
in ripples,
and interference,
because of my parents,
i do not love easy.
because of death,
i am hard to be loved.
because of one small disturbance
in the calm,
it caused an interference
in the clear water.
and it will never be the same again.
- 9th June, 15.04 -

the definition of being a good friend,
is something i am unclear about.
is it a pledge,
to be there
through ups and downs,
though highs and lows,
to love and respect,
to understand and forgive?
if so,
then i have never had a real friendship.
because as i write the most beautiful of vows,
to protect
to fight for,
i always end up,
breaking my promises.
- 9th June, 15.07 -

old friends

if i chose to stay,
will you hold my hand,
and sit with me,
through my horrors,
and my screaming?
will you stay with me,
even as i force you out the door?
will you wait by my window,
throwing rocks,
as you stand under the rain?
if i chose to stay,
will you do the same?
- 6th May, 16.25 -

if i had the gift of art,
i would paint your eyes,
on the ceiling above my bed,
as a reminder for when i wake,
that if ever i chose correctly,
i too,
could have eyes,
that shine just as bright,
as yours.
- 6th May, 17.00 -

for someone that thinks love is
but a myth,
you sure do seem to enjoy writing about it.
- 6th May, 18.14 -

what i hate about my mornings
is when my dream ends
and you are not beside me.
- 6th May, 19.00 -

i wish i had the courage
to plunge into the deep water,
to free fall over a ledge.
alas
i do not have that kind of bravery.
however
what i do have is strength;
the strength to grip onto a blade,
even as it pierces through my skin,
the strength to wait awhile more,
the strength to stay.
- 6th May, 19.02 -